Christmas Eve marks the first anniversary of the last evening spent with Dad. I haven’t written in a very long time. Sometimes the words just don’t come to me – at least ones I want to share.
This is surprising. Most of the time they spill out – usually without regard to self-consequences.
When it comes to memories of my dad, most would seem insignificant or even boring.
On Christmas Eve, I will be clock watching, waiting for the minute hand to pass by that moment when we know dad passed away. The family as a whole will strive, much like last Christmas to proceed as normal. A dinner with family, wrapping the last of the gifts, getting the stockings hung by the chimney with care – all the while, my eyes darting and sometimes merely glancing at the clock.
I plan on sitting silently and praying, taking slow breaths trying to hold on to the moment as well as let it go. I feel guilty that I didn’t get up at midnight as planned. If I had, I would have been by his side just as Mom. I lay there in bed, ten after midnight, trying to pull myself to wakefulness before what I presumed would be long early Christmas morning. At twenty-six after I was springing to my feet, throwing on my scrubs to join my family in tears.
The children were roused from bed or the bathroom brushing their teeth, all of us surrounding Mom and Dad, touching and kissing good-bye. He was at peace but I was not there when I thought I should be.
Rather than our typical calls to family of “Merry Christmas” it was “Merry Christmas. I want you to know that Dad passed away just after midnight getting his wish to see Christmas.”
A year has passed and this is the memory which I dwell on most.
- Craig
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
The Smell of Old Shoes
This might be an odd title, but appropriate for today’s blog entry. While in Wyoming, my brother and I played a number of tricks on each other – he, trying to sell my “work” laptop – I, the axe blade in his carry-on luggage…
But Greg wins! I unpacked my car trunk upon returning home and found a pair of dad’s old sneakers. They don’t really smell like old shoes. However, they do bring back memories of dad wearing these (or ones very similar) with white socks and walking shorts. The vision is vivid.
The shoes smell of memories.
- Craig
But Greg wins! I unpacked my car trunk upon returning home and found a pair of dad’s old sneakers. They don’t really smell like old shoes. However, they do bring back memories of dad wearing these (or ones very similar) with white socks and walking shorts. The vision is vivid.
The shoes smell of memories.
- Craig
Friday, July 4, 2008
Estate
Over a lifetime you create an estate. Sometimes the estate is big, sometimes small. Bill Gates lives in an estate or so they say. I think it is a mansion. His estate might not be that big in fact. Well maybe it is depending on the definition.
Merriam-Webster defines “estate” as the degree, quality, nature, and extent of one's interest in land or other property (1): possessions, property; especially : a person's property in land and tenements (2): the assets and liabilities left by a person at death. Other definitions of course include social standing or rank especially of a high order.
Many times people confuse “economic wealth” with “estate.” While I am guilty of similar association, I want "estate" to mean much more.
Sometimes the estate is also a legacy. The legacies of deeds or wealth, friendships, and love as well as property are all a part of one’s estate.
Today was the beginning of a two-day sale of Dad’s estate – not the family farm, but the many things collected over the years. It is only property. While memories exist – the camp stove, a tent or sleeping bag, a shirt or a tool – they are not “my dad.” Nor are they my dad’s estate.
His is estate is the legacy I mentioned earlier. Love and friendship are the most important, followed closely by his mentorship and respect for others.
It makes me think hard about the collections of legacy I will leave behind. I want my most important estate to be love and friendship as well. But I have this whole garage full of stuff to get rid of too.
- Craig
Merriam-Webster defines “estate” as the degree, quality, nature, and extent of one's interest in land or other property (1): possessions, property; especially : a person's property in land and tenements (2): the assets and liabilities left by a person at death. Other definitions of course include social standing or rank especially of a high order.
Many times people confuse “economic wealth” with “estate.” While I am guilty of similar association, I want "estate" to mean much more.
Sometimes the estate is also a legacy. The legacies of deeds or wealth, friendships, and love as well as property are all a part of one’s estate.
Today was the beginning of a two-day sale of Dad’s estate – not the family farm, but the many things collected over the years. It is only property. While memories exist – the camp stove, a tent or sleeping bag, a shirt or a tool – they are not “my dad.” Nor are they my dad’s estate.
His is estate is the legacy I mentioned earlier. Love and friendship are the most important, followed closely by his mentorship and respect for others.
It makes me think hard about the collections of legacy I will leave behind. I want my most important estate to be love and friendship as well. But I have this whole garage full of stuff to get rid of too.
- Craig
Friday, June 27, 2008
Road Trip
My dad loved to go camping, fishing, hunting and hiking. I grew up in an outdoor family. We camped, fished, hunted and hiked with family, friends, and in Scouts.
Combine our joy of the outdoors with vacation, and the Edmonds family spent many days on “road trips.” We stuffed the cars with everything but the kitchen sink – although we did have plastic tubs for washing dishes. Occasionally we stayed in a motel or hotel but for the most part it was “drive, setup camp, eat, tell stories, sleep, get up, eat, break camp, and hit the road again.”
Packing the car to fit everything was an art. My dad taught me to use the nooks and crannies under seats or the gaps between odd sized luggage and boxes. Make sure you can easily get to the ice chest while you were driving to feed the young ones with snacks or to give dad a cold beer. We didn’t have air conditioning.
Rest stops included an occasional picnic area with an outhouse, but with kids, stops were frequently “behind that tree over there.”
Tomorrow I start the road trip to Wyoming. I am driving by myself, so the road trip is “different.” I will stop at gas stations, but at the same time, grab finger food, a water bottle refill, and hit the head… 15 minutes tops, then on my way. I can play the radio as loud as I want and even sing. Usually my singing is not allowed when the family is in the car.
- Craig
Combine our joy of the outdoors with vacation, and the Edmonds family spent many days on “road trips.” We stuffed the cars with everything but the kitchen sink – although we did have plastic tubs for washing dishes. Occasionally we stayed in a motel or hotel but for the most part it was “drive, setup camp, eat, tell stories, sleep, get up, eat, break camp, and hit the road again.”
Packing the car to fit everything was an art. My dad taught me to use the nooks and crannies under seats or the gaps between odd sized luggage and boxes. Make sure you can easily get to the ice chest while you were driving to feed the young ones with snacks or to give dad a cold beer. We didn’t have air conditioning.
Rest stops included an occasional picnic area with an outhouse, but with kids, stops were frequently “behind that tree over there.”
Tomorrow I start the road trip to Wyoming. I am driving by myself, so the road trip is “different.” I will stop at gas stations, but at the same time, grab finger food, a water bottle refill, and hit the head… 15 minutes tops, then on my way. I can play the radio as loud as I want and even sing. Usually my singing is not allowed when the family is in the car.
- Craig
Monday, June 16, 2008
Savages
Friday night Julie and I watched the 2007 movie “Savages.” A friend from work recommended and loaned it to me. He said it was based loosely on a portion of the writer’s life. He said “I think you can take it.”
A brother and sister deal very truthfully with the care of their aging father after he is diagnosed with dementia. The story begins with their father being evicted after his “common law” wife of 20 years passes.
There are not many similarities to my situation. I was never abused, and I was VERY close to my father. However, there were a couple of places which touched like a hot poker.
In one scene the brother says “we are not savages for doing this” as they leave their father in a nursing home. While dad was never in a nursing home I remember bringing up the discussion of “hospice.” How do you say “I love you” while proposing that you have given up the fight? Dad had not given up. It might have been a fronted positive attitude, or he may have truly believed he would beat the cancer. But there was either disappointment or anger, or frustration when I brought it up. He knew though I was insistent on him meeting with the hospice people. We (the family in general) simply wanted to ensure we cared for him the way he wanted.
It was also hard watching caregivers getting him ready for bed or handing diapers to the daughter before boarding the plane to take him “home.”
Dad never wanted to be in a hospital, let alone a nursing home. His home was designed around living there until he died. And, he did just that.
- Craig
A brother and sister deal very truthfully with the care of their aging father after he is diagnosed with dementia. The story begins with their father being evicted after his “common law” wife of 20 years passes.
There are not many similarities to my situation. I was never abused, and I was VERY close to my father. However, there were a couple of places which touched like a hot poker.
In one scene the brother says “we are not savages for doing this” as they leave their father in a nursing home. While dad was never in a nursing home I remember bringing up the discussion of “hospice.” How do you say “I love you” while proposing that you have given up the fight? Dad had not given up. It might have been a fronted positive attitude, or he may have truly believed he would beat the cancer. But there was either disappointment or anger, or frustration when I brought it up. He knew though I was insistent on him meeting with the hospice people. We (the family in general) simply wanted to ensure we cared for him the way he wanted.
It was also hard watching caregivers getting him ready for bed or handing diapers to the daughter before boarding the plane to take him “home.”
Dad never wanted to be in a hospital, let alone a nursing home. His home was designed around living there until he died. And, he did just that.
- Craig
Father's Day
Yesterday was Father’s Day – the first without Dad. I received a text from my brother indicating his sadness with this fact. It was tough for most of the day.
My kids were gone for the majority of the day, but Julie and I worked quietly in the yard. After a while, I went into the garage and worked on a project for the beach house. I needed to use some power tools. I did the same thing in August and September of last year after I found out dad had cancer. At that time, I built the top for a large round table for one of our decks – I still haven’t finished it, needing to put on legs and build the benches. Yesterday was a sign with the street number – but it will be completed today.
When Amanda got home from work, we went over to the in-laws. Chad went out on the boat all day with “papa” and Julie’s brothers. When they returned from the boat ride, we barbequed hamburgers and played bocce ball – much to everyone’s surprise (not!) – I was on the winning team (Mike). I know Dad liked bocce ball too – a game for all ages.
Mom called in the afternoon to wish me a “Happy Father’s Day”. She had been outside working all day, finishing yard work. She sounded great. Greg and I will join Mary and Ray in Wyoming late this month into the first week of July. It will be great to see everyone.
I hope all of you enjoyed your “day” too.
- Craig
My kids were gone for the majority of the day, but Julie and I worked quietly in the yard. After a while, I went into the garage and worked on a project for the beach house. I needed to use some power tools. I did the same thing in August and September of last year after I found out dad had cancer. At that time, I built the top for a large round table for one of our decks – I still haven’t finished it, needing to put on legs and build the benches. Yesterday was a sign with the street number – but it will be completed today.
When Amanda got home from work, we went over to the in-laws. Chad went out on the boat all day with “papa” and Julie’s brothers. When they returned from the boat ride, we barbequed hamburgers and played bocce ball – much to everyone’s surprise (not!) – I was on the winning team (Mike). I know Dad liked bocce ball too – a game for all ages.
Mom called in the afternoon to wish me a “Happy Father’s Day”. She had been outside working all day, finishing yard work. She sounded great. Greg and I will join Mary and Ray in Wyoming late this month into the first week of July. It will be great to see everyone.
I hope all of you enjoyed your “day” too.
- Craig
Monday, May 19, 2008
Appreciation
On Christmas Day 2007 my dad passed away. It is difficult to lose a loved one, whether it is your parent, a brother, a sister or a child. A family pet passing is also a great loss.
Katrina devastated New Orleans and the gulf coast August 29, 2005. Many people lost their lives. Many more people lost their homes and their livelihoods. Amanda spent a week the summer of 2006 rebuilding in a small town in Mississippi – Pass Christian.
Pass Christian Mississippi 2006
Myanmar was devastated by cyclone Nargis the first weekend of May. While by most accounts just fewer than 2000 people lost their lives in Katrina; Myanmar 134,000 lost their lives by recent accounts. “"I knew I'd lost my family," says Myanmar fisherman – the headline of a recent article stated.
Myanmar, Cyclone Nargis, 2008
The recent earthquake in China also killed as many as 50,000 people. The news of schools collapsing on children bothers me tremendously. Do we value our children so little that schools would be “cost effective” or in other words, poorly designed and cheaply built? The videos of parents standing by the demolished schools waiting to see or hear of a child surviving is heartbreaking – especially when you remember China’s policy of “one child” families. They lost their only child.
Sichuan Province China Earthquake, 2008
People have lost everything. I have lost nothing in comparison.
While I have lost family pets, aunts, uncles, grandparents and my father – and shed many tears – I am still blessed. I have a whole new appreciation for what God has given me – and what He hasn’t taken away.
- Craig
Katrina devastated New Orleans and the gulf coast August 29, 2005. Many people lost their lives. Many more people lost their homes and their livelihoods. Amanda spent a week the summer of 2006 rebuilding in a small town in Mississippi – Pass Christian.
Pass Christian Mississippi 2006Myanmar was devastated by cyclone Nargis the first weekend of May. While by most accounts just fewer than 2000 people lost their lives in Katrina; Myanmar 134,000 lost their lives by recent accounts. “"I knew I'd lost my family," says Myanmar fisherman – the headline of a recent article stated.
Myanmar, Cyclone Nargis, 2008The recent earthquake in China also killed as many as 50,000 people. The news of schools collapsing on children bothers me tremendously. Do we value our children so little that schools would be “cost effective” or in other words, poorly designed and cheaply built? The videos of parents standing by the demolished schools waiting to see or hear of a child surviving is heartbreaking – especially when you remember China’s policy of “one child” families. They lost their only child.
Sichuan Province China Earthquake, 2008People have lost everything. I have lost nothing in comparison.
While I have lost family pets, aunts, uncles, grandparents and my father – and shed many tears – I am still blessed. I have a whole new appreciation for what God has given me – and what He hasn’t taken away.
- Craig
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